Skip to main content

5 Things I Learned About Grieving




The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance
from 5 Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler


Here are 5 things that I learned about grieving:
  1. Each person deals with grief differently
    I've learned by watching a lot of true crime shows, that our culture expects people to deal with grief in a similar fashion. There are certain expectations of how a person should show grief when they have lost a loved one. However, grief doesn't work like that. There are people who are sad, depressed, some who are in shock, some who are relieved that their loved one is no longer in pain. There are those who are angry, those who are in quiet pain, those who do not know what to do. We don't really know how we're going to grieve until it happens to us.
  2. Each person deals with each grief differently
    Something that struck me years ago, after I had two of my closest family members pass away, was how different my grieving was for each person. I was so sad, but it felt different, and that felt weird to me. I spoke with a counselor at that time who said that it's okay to grieve differently. You had a stronger relationship with one of those family members, and it was also the biggest death you have ever dealt with. It's no wonder that the feeling is different.
  3. There is not anything anyone can say or do to make the pain go away
    When someone grieves, there's this desire to want to say or do the right thing. To try to help them through it, and to lessen the pain and intensity they're feeling. But there really isn't a right thing to say. I hate to say this, but there is a wrong thing to say. I have never directly been told this, but I have heard this from others who are grieving. They've been told, “When are you going to get over this?” Or “When are you going to get back to normal.” It's possible this person will never be back to “normal” depending on who they lost. They will have to learn how to live with a new normal.
  4. You have to allow yourself to feel the pain, in order to get through it
    A lot of times, we want to rush through feelings. When we are hurt, we want that feeling to be over, so we figure out ways to not think about it, focus on other things. We think we're doing ourselves a favor by getting on with our life. And while it is good to get on with life, and focus on other things, we will not truly feel healed, unless we allow ourselves to feel our way through the loss. It will not go away by ignoring it. While time doesn't necessarily heal the wound of losing someone, it will get more manageable over time. To lose someone, especially someone so close, it can feel like there is a hole in your life that can never be filled. And as horrible of a feeling as that is, it's important to allow yourself time to feel it, and to grieve over it. But you don't have to be alone, and you don't have to be strong for everybody else. This leads me to my next topic.
  5. If you can, surround yourself by loved ones who are either going through the same thing, or are there to support you. This will be so helpful for your grief, to surround yourself with others who know how you feel. What's sad is that sometimes death can tear families apart if they don't agree on how their loved one was cared for at the end, or maybe they don't agree on the division of property/money of the lost loved one. Family is so important at this time, so if you have family that will love and support you, take advantage of that support. If however, you find yourself without family, then find a friend or two you can lean on, who will listen to you and be there in your time of need. If you find yourself unable to connect with friends, then try a grief support group, or counseling. The county where I live, there are a few organizations that provide free grief counseling, and free group therapy for those who are grieving.

Also, take it easy on yourself. Give yourself time to heal, be gentle. Do things that you love, with people who love you.


Check out my coaching services on my website:
https://townecoaching.com/services

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

10 Things I Wish I Knew 10 Years Ago

I began thinking about what kind of article to sit down and write today.  I thought, often, I see articles that promise a list of some kind.  So, I think I'll do it too! Joking aside, I was thinking back about my life, about things I wish I had known when I was younger.  The following are some observations I've made over the years.  Hope you enjoy! 1.  Don't waste your time on meaningless/terrible jobs I've had jobs that from the moment I walked in, I knew I was going to hate it.  And then proceeded to stay for 10 years.  Why would someone do that?  You might ask.  Well, there were all kinds of reasons to do it at the time.  It paid "decent," it had flexible hours.  I was able to go to school, and still pay the bills, etc. The thing I didn't realize, was that all of these flexible hours flexed me right out of a lot of important family time.  I was working weekends/holidays, times I will never get back.  I thought it was helping me get t

Top 10 Dating Tips for Women

Be yourself So this is an obvious one. You want to be who you truly are while dating and in a relationship because you want to make sure that the man who is falling for you, is actually falling for you, not some made up version of who you think you should be. Being yourself is so important because you are going to mess up, you are going to have faults, just like everybody else does. But if this person can see those in you, and still have a working relationship anyway, isn't that the best for everybody? The other thing I want to warn though, is, it is good not too reveal too much right away. This isn't about hiding who you are, it's about getting to know, and to trust the other person before you share too much. When you tell your whole life story on the first date, it makes you look like someone who is overly trusting. A complete stranger frankly has not earned the trust it takes for you to share your life stories and secrets. And if you are sharing thos

Fear

Recently, I picked up a book again. It's called The Fear Book and it's by Cheri Huber. It's a quick read, but it is so wise. In reading this book, I learned a lot. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book: “Our world shrinks when we are paralyzed by fear of making mistakes, fear of doing something wrong. But if we simply take a step and see what happens, our world opens a little bit. Then we can take another step. Every step enlarges our view; everything we do shows us something.” (pg 12) I love this quote, it reminds me that the fear of making a mistake is not a good enough reason not to forge ahead. It is a reminder that something can seem scary or hard, but we don't know that until we take that next step to see what happens. I am finding this also helps me with my confidence. At one time, I expected confidence to come from outside sources, then at one point, I expected it to come from inside sources, but lately, I've found that I build