Assertiveness

I'm not writing about this topic because it's something I'm great at. In fact, I would say I'm not even good at it. Why, then, do you ask, am I writing an article about assertiveness?

Something I noticed a long time ago, was that my assertive friends always seemed to be the happiest of the group. Why is this? Well, for one thing, they value themselves enough to be honest with other people, even if it's not the easiest thing to talk about. People know where they stand with these assertive friends, and I think that gives people a little bit of a sense of calm. If you know where you stand with someone, you aren't constantly questioning if they are mad at you, if they like you. You just know, because if they had a problem, believe me, you'd be the first to know.

What exactly is assertiveness, and what does it look like? Assertiveness isn't about being rude, and it's not about being bossy. It definitely isn't sitting by and letting people and experiences run all over you. It is a fine line between being aggressive and being passive. Many people are afraid to be assertive because they worry that maybe their feelings aren't valid. For example, let's say I'm dating a nice guy. And he wants to date other people, but I don't. I've just found out he's dating someone else while dating me. Something I could do in this situation, is invalidate my own feelings by saying, “well that's just the norm now. If I don't want to do this, I'm sure he could find many other women who would be okay with this.” Or maybe, “my best friend is in the same situation, and I'm just being too sensitive about it.” Some of us get this idea that our feelings are bad.

But let me tell you, from a girl who didn't want to discuss feelings, I was even told on a few occasions I was cold. It doesn't benefit you to keep it all bottled up inside. Another possibility, and this happens to many people-they try to “be nice” and not say what they feel, and then they wait, and they wait, and they wait until they can't stand it anymore. And finally they blow up. Well, let me tell you, this is not the best way to handle problems. I know from personal experience. This is a good way to completely destroy relationships.

So what is the right thing to do? It's not always best to say what you think. So how do you know when it's right to speak up for yourself (or someone else). Some things are none of our business. Some things bother us, but they really don't affect us. If it's a small thing, and you can let it go-let it go. But if it's something, that hurts you in the pit of your stomach. You're asking yourself, how am I suppose to deal with this? This sounds like a good time to talk it out with the person. I've spent enough time on this earth now, to know that a truly worthwhile friendship, relationship, even job-will value what you have to say, and how you feel. Sometimes, it won't change the behavior on the other end. Sometimes, the person that you are confronting, won't want to do anything different than what they've been doing. At that point, you need to decide, is this a deal breaker in this relationship, in this job, in this friendship?

The way you can start being assertive, is by taking small leaps. Did something a friend say offend you? Go to them, in private. Lay it all out. Be kind, but firm. It's okay. You may be amazingly surprised by the reaction you get. “I didn't know I was doing that. If I had, I would've stopped.” or “I'm sorry, I didn't know that was upsetting you.” And so on. If you get a reaction such as, “I didn't know, and I don't care.” It may be time not to re-evaluate being assertive, but to re-evaluate that relationship. Any relationship that is worth continuing, is worth talking about some of the topics that can be uncomfortable. Relationships are not just a tip toe through the tulips. They are hard work. And if you're someone who's saying, it may be worthwhile to do this with friends, but I don't want to do that with my employer. Let me ask you this: Do you think your boss would prefer you to come up to him/her and say what is bothering you, or simply walk out the door once you have been offended or walked all over enough times?